“my heart beats for only you…”

•July 16, 2008 • Leave a Comment

July 16, 2008 5:44 PM

335 days to go

 

I’ve been working all day. I’ve been wanting to finish my thesis. I’ve been wanting to preoccupy my mind with anything. I’ve been wanting this episode to be over. I’ve been wanting to feel numb. Its been months now and I’m still wanting you. “my heart, it beats, beats for only you…” I still need a lot of time.

It’s still so clear to me. When I handed you my console, when I asked you to listen to this song, when you asked me the title of it, when I sang it to you, when we listened to it, when we lay together, when we wanted every minute of it.

It’s still so clear to me. When you made me breakfast, when you get angry whenever i refuse to eat, when you argue with me, when we go out at night to get your laundry, when you tell me to take my bath and get dressed, when you kissed me, when you hugged me, when we danced.

It’s still so clear to me. When you get angry whenever you see me playing in ‘my own little world’, when you come home at night and find me waiting, when you ask me if I’ve already eaten, when you ask me to sleep beside you, when you fix your bed up so that we can be comfortable, when you don’t laugh at my jokes.

It’s still so clear to me. Days after we broke up, you asked me to wait for you. I did. I did it patiently.

It’s still so clear to me. Its 11:00 pm. When you walk through that door, when you asked me how I’ve been, when you asked about my studies, when you told me to sleep beside you, when you hugged me again, when you kissed me again. How I’ve longed for it.

It’s still so clear to me. You gave me my last kiss, how happy I was that I’ve waited.

It’s still so clear to me. I’m in pain. Because it’s still so clear to me.

 

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

I am nothing now and it’s been so long
Since I’ve heard the sound, the sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening.

images from www.lukechueh.com and http://pacside.com

Think.

•July 16, 2008 • 1 Comment

July 16, 2008. 3:04 AM.

335 days to go.

 

Jacqy and I started a bet. We will not get involved emotionally with someone for a year. A year without falling in love — can we really do that? I started my countdown on June 16, 2008. I have been keeping up with it for a month now. I admit its hard. Its hard not to fall when you easily get attached to someone. Why are we doing this? Is it just for fun? Are we doing it to prove something? Are we trying to prove that we can live without them, that we are strong? “If it’s not my way, it’s no way.” Are we thinking that way?

No. What we are trying to do is to prove that we still love ourselves more than anyone. We are trying to salvage that little hope we have in us. We are trying to salvage ourselves from the emotional torture we’ve felt. It’s not easy to love. It takes a lot. In our case, it eats us up. We cannot control our hearts from taking a grip whenever we see a slight possibility. We easily fall. We love hard. We fall hard. We break hard. We are jealous.

Three hundred and thirty days more. I really do hope that by that time, we can think.

images from www-03.ibm.com & www.key-z.com

being a b!tch :: undergoing metamorphosis

•February 28, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Vengeance.
So sweet.
Blood.
Sex.
1.

I’m out of my normal-mode. I am not promiscuous. At least I’m not used to. That’s what I’m proud of, before. Right now, I am undergoing the biggest god damned change in my life. I am becoming the greatest b!tch that ever lived inside this body.

Why? Is it because of what Blue did to me? P-A-Y-B-A-C-K. I am really not sure. I don’t want to be like this but I guess, I’m still young. It’s still early to ponder on my love problems.

I don’t want to be like this. What I want is someone who will make me realize that what I’m doing is not right. Someone to walk with me, help me move on. Someone I can give my trust back. Someone to love. Someone to learn with.

I am still undergoing metamorphosis.

Soon, I’ll be out of my cocoon. A new me. I don’t want that.

Look, I guarantee there’ll be tough times. I guarantee that at some time, one or both of us is gonna want to get out of this thing. But I also guarantee that if I don’t ask you to be mine, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life, because I know, in my heart, you’re the only one for me.

Runaway Bride

image from http://www.bbc.co.uk

being a freelancer

•February 27, 2008 • 1 Comment

I quit my job. I’m earning at net Php20,000 monthly but I still quit. Quitting is not bad. Quitting is one way of untying the knots. I quit my job to face my major internal conflict.

I needed money. I love programming. Fulfillment at last.

I got projects from a friend. I’m happy. It didn’t pay me half of what I used to earn, but I’m happy. I’m fulfilled. It’s what’s important for me at the moment.

I do freelance web development. I have no basic or regular salary. I get paid once I finish my projects.

One thing you learn fast, when working freelance, is that lots of things do not pan out – projects get canned, clients don’t pay, and so on.

Nigel Dennis

What’s fun with freelancing? You own your time, you got no boss, I-N-V-I-C-T-U-S.

I’m the master of my faith…
I’m the captain of my soul…

I love doing freelance. I love the people around me. I gained friends. I laugh. I eat. I live by my own decisions. I’m good at being independent. I get depressed but it’s already in me.

I’m loving life. At least.

http://freelanceswitch.com

a :: man :: with :: a :: thousand :: faces

•February 25, 2008 • 2 Comments

Strong personality. Two words that describe me. Add to that — intimidating.

What does it take to have a strong personality? Is it the aura that you give out? Is it the confidence that you have? Is it just merely a perception of people with insecurities? Or worst, is it the three?

Personality goes hand in hand with impression. That’s one bad thing.

A guy cheated on me. We were doing fine for a year when all of a sudden, someone appeared. It turned out that they were dating for four months. I was fooled big-time. He lied to me for four months; I defended him when my friends tell me he is seeing someone else. T-R-U-S-T. I gave him all of my T-R-U-S-T. I shouldn’t have done it.

Then there goes all of the consolation. They say I’m strong, that I can handle such petty things. I listened to them. Then, it came to a point where I realized I missed him so much. That what he did to me, did hurt me. I denied the fact that I cared. I thought ignorance will do the trick; well it worked almost all the time, but not this time.

I go to work — crying. I go home — crying. I go to sleep — crying. I wake up — crying. Then, R-E-A-L-I-Z-A-T-I-O-N. With realization came A-C-C-E-P-T-A-N-C-E. With acceptance came R-E-S-I-G-N-A-T-I-O-N. Resignation — literally. Job. Life. Faith.

That’s what I got from impression. I am still enduring. Enduring plus a lot of acceptance. I am not strong. I can’t do it. I need help. Then I got help.

Thanks.

image from http://www.kaleidoskop-sky.info